Sunday, September 26, 2010

Diamond-hard Contradictions

My summer job is ending and I’m reflecting on the last six months. I’ve fallen in love with so many people on so many levels, for the second year. One coworker in particular means the most, but he’s another blog all of his own. These people drive me up a wall, but I love them so much. Each of them has an individual place in my heart.

I work for a seasonal diamond broker. The largest in Juneau and pretty much in Alaska. We have over 130 stores across the Caribbean. We are one of 86 companies who buy rough stones directly from mines. Once, I was proud to be a part of this. Once, I loved it, breathed it; it was all I wanted. Now, I just don’t know. The saying “it takes one apple to spoil the bunch,” is true. One bad manager made me hate my job, made me miserable when I was there and did her best to control me when I was on my own time.

There can be such good times in this store. Just plain, loving one another fun. But there’s always got to be that one cunt that stinks up the atmosphere. Sucks the love out of the air like some mythical Harry Potter beast. Lucky me, I happen to have that manager this season. We know I have a problem with demanding people in general, but this was over the top. And I can only take part of the blame.

This has been one of the hardest summers. And I’ve had some rotten summers in my past. When you wake up every morning and beg your roommates to call you in sick, you’ve got it bad.

But, I can’t only complain because there are the people I need. The people, I smile to see every day. The ones I hug and love and coddle and pray for. These are the people who drive me the most crazy, but that’s only because they mean so much. I can have the sourest look on my face and it only takes one of them to come say something stupid and flip my emotions. This is what makes my job so worth it. These happy people that I’m in love with. I party with them, sleep with them, eat with them and work with them ten hours a day, six days a week. Some of them, I can’t get enough of!

And then there’s the one I really love. The one I know is in the room because I smell him before I look up to see him. The one who calls/texts when I think of him. The one whose expressions I can read before he vocalizes what he wants. The one who had leopard eyes when the sun hits them at the right angle. The sketchy one, who took my heart in an afternoon. The one who won’t let me in because he’s afraid of too many things and too insecure to ask for my help. Nonetheless, I love him.

This is what I’m giving up. Last year when the season ended, I clung to the idea that they would all be back in April. And they did come back. But this season, I’m relieved they are leaving because I want that energy off my rock. I want Diamonds International to leave Alaska and leave me alone. Get out of Juneau. I feel bitter resentment towards the company because of one manager. I don’t want this, because I truly love my job and would be glad to do it again next year. Or even travel with them. However, her damage is done. She pushed and pushed and got her way. When I say don’t push me, back off. I exploded so many times because I had no other option.  She may have won this battle she created, but Karma never rests. All she’s done to me, will come back and bite her in the ass when it’s ready and she least expects it.

I can’t dwell on the angry, but I’m sure not ready to forget it. I am going to miss so many people and really the sadness is setting in. Last year I had an anxiety attack on my last day and I think I will this year too. Oct. 2 is just around the corner. I guess bitter-sweet is the way to describe this. I want them gone but I will miss them.

For nothing.

5 comments:

  1. Not for nothing. Your work is so raw, honest, beautiful! Thank you for this fresh dose of pure you-ness and reality, and for sharing it with the world. Also, we should hang out!!!

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  2. I love you.
    Just remember that :)
    ..oh and ill call you in sick from Mass any day.
    xoxox

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  3. Thanks ladies....the love means a lot!!

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  4. Keeping it real.....Love it, and you! P&L

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  5. Simple and elegant. A peek inside your brain. I like it.

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